Lockdown and parenthood 10.6.20

Im going round in circles today, mostly picking up crap from the boys bedrooms. I thought I would pause for 5 minutes and write down this jumble of thoughts bouncing around in my brain – just in case there might be someone else out there who might be feeling the same way…….it’s good to share.

I think this is week 12….maybe its 13?  Geez i have actually lost count, but regardless, its been a bloody long time.  And in that time, at home with my three young children I have learned an awful lot about myself.

I honestly used to envy stay at home mums, jealous of their beautiful, sweet days spent playing with their little ones, perhaps organising a closet, a little trip to the shops, a coffee, casual reading, cooking, baking, a walk through the park….

‘ahhhh’ said I to myself many, many times, ‘wouldn’t that be lovely, not having to work’ but its a fantasy really isn’t it?

Over the course of this past few weeks I have punished myself many an evening thinking:-

‘I haven’t done any work today’  ‘Im neglecting my business’ ‘I should be posting new content’ I should be replying to emails, organising the studio, promoting myself like all the other photographers are doing’  so many punishing thoughts because I let myself feel like I hadn’t had a productive day when in fact…….just take today so far……

I have got up after a very sleep deprived night, let the dog out, lifted his poo, fed and played with him, got three kids up, dressed, fed, loaded the dishwasher, unloaded the dishwasher, picked up clothes and toys that are lying everywhere, done a load of washing, hung washing out on line, brought washing in again because the smell of slurry would knock you out, rewashed those clothes, changed a bed, brushed a skid mark of the toilet bowl,

HOMESCHOOLED ( enough said, you all know)

Put Evie for a sleep, made lunch, currently writing blog and viewing dishes from lunch still to be done……it goes on and on doesn’t it? yet we think we do nothing because we do SO many little things which go unnoticed. The constant cooking, cleaning and the never ending laundry. Sometimes I literally have just finished clearing up when its time to start cooking all over again.

Over this past 12 or whatever it is weeks I think I’ve felt every emotion there is to feel.

At the beginning I had this list in my head of all I would get done from organising the hot press and everyones wardrobes, to revamping the studio and blogging every wedding I shot last year and finally, finally clearing out the messy drawer in the kitchen, but none of that happened.  The day just goes in so very quickly, being a mum ( or the stay at home parent) and running a home is the busiest job in the world. Truly.

So I am no longer going to allow myself to feel guilty about what I haven’t done, and instead remind myself of all the things I did do, irrelevant as they may seem to others, keeping your kids happy and balanced during this strange time hasn’t been easy so well done to you all if you have been in the same boat as myself. We’re doing good!

There were days I was full of ideas and energy and trekking them through rivers and forests and bug hunts and catching frogspawn, bike rides, painting, creating, reading, dancing and if you follow my insta stories you may have seen a lot of that, but there were other days when I felt so drained I happily told them they could play the playstation for 3 hours if they gave me peace. I didn’t story those days.

There were days I realised Richard was a much better parent than I was and my heart sank as they hung on his every word and completely ignored me when I asked them to do something. But I have since discovered our parenting styles compliment and balance each other well, and i’ve just had to learn not to be such a soft touch all the time to gain a little respect from my boys.

It’s been a rollercoaster. I am happy to get off now. Get back to work and all the extra  juggling that may entail. I am lucky enough to be shooting my first wedding again very soon and I cannot wait!!!!

I think this picture of our busted up paddling pool says its all really – lockdown you were good crack for a while…..but i’m kinda done with you now.

IMG_3927

I hear the sweet sounds of Evie chatting through the monitor now.

Have a wonderful day

ex

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